


Studley Do-Right

by TheWatcherObserves



Category: Star Trek (2009), Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: And Now For Something Completely Different, Complete, F/M, Medical, Pregnant Sex, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-25
Updated: 2013-11-25
Packaged: 2018-01-02 16:01:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1058773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWatcherObserves/pseuds/TheWatcherObserves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Kirk begs Dr. McCoy to render him celibate - as in no sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Studley Do-Right

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: This story represents a fork out of my Spock/Uhura my universe and into my Kirk/Uhura. Until this piece, all of my writing inhabits a single universe anchored by my other stories "Ti(m)es That Bond" (to be published Winter/Spring 2013/2014) and "Adaptation". I will post them sorta shortly.
> 
> I stuck a FORK in the middle of my Spock/Uhura universe. That FORK (because it's a darn BIG fork in the scheme of things) is the story "Time's Keeper - Nexus of Decision" which will show up here eventually.
> 
> I could give you a grandiose rationale for why I did this but the real reason is simple: I now have two universes I can write to, one Spock/Uhura and one Kirk/Uhura. I don't have to write any infidelity-between-friends or three-way-encounters or aliens-made-me-do-it or plant-spores-drugged-me plots. I can write about two phenomenal love affairs with complete honesty and integrity.
> 
> And carnal lust. They are married in both universes.
> 
> So here's a roadmap.
> 
> All of the alt-alt universe Kirk/Uhura stories will have "Time's Keeper" or "TK" in their titles. They fork AFTER "Adaptation" - Grayson is Spock's son (at least biologically).
> 
> None of the Spock/Uhura stories will have this; they'll be plain-Jane titles.
> 
> And for you sadists out there, I have no intent (while sober and sane) to recross these universes.
> 
> All non-original characters belong to their respective owners. Story concept, settings and plot belong to the author in whole or in part. No portion of this material may be reproduced, transmitted, used or modified in any matter on any media without the author's and/or owners' express written permission. Portions copyrighted.
> 
> xxxxxx
> 
> This story is an experiment in "turnabout is fair play". This story exists in my alt-alt-universe after Uhura's future-changing encounter with the Traveler in "Time's Keeper - Nexus of Decision".
> 
> Not buying it? Why Not?
> 
> If J. J. Abrams and company can decimate the Enterprise twice in three years - as in drydock restoration - and almost destroy Earth twice in the same timeframe - as in one LARGE drill with planet-coring drill bit in place AND one LARGE AND ADVANCED star ship crashing and sliding into San Francisco, then I can explain Uhura's unusual facility with alien languages and cultures as tampering with the time-space continuum.
> 
> ANYWAY...
> 
> This story isn't about any of the above pseudo-rant topics.
> 
> It's about Captain James T. Kirk begging medical help from Dr. Leonard McCoy to stop him from having sex - with Uhura.
> 
> This experimental piece may disappear entirely or it may stop at one chapter. After all, Kirk begging to be celibate is all you need, right?
> 
> RATING: At least teen+ for sexual themes and for the arousal jokes.  
> The jokes are my favorite part...  
> xxxxxx

**ONE**

"Jim! Grab a chair."

McCoy moved to the business side of his desk and sat down. Recognizing that the pile of PADDs, vials, hypospray containers and food remains blocked eye contact with his captain and friend, McCoy strategically swept the pile to one side with his left arm.

Kirk's anxiety came across so clearly that McCoy could almost see the letters "WTF?" written across his friend's forehead.

McCoy had waited a long time to see James T. Kirk - "Studley Do-Right" - brought to his knees on a daily basis. As the former husband of four beautiful but deadly women, McCoy recognized the symptoms. Another serial seducer of the fairer sex (although McCoy disagreed with this moniker - there was nothing fair or reasonable about his ex-wives) had fallen.

James Tiberius Kirk was whipped. And his wife did it.

"Can we close the door, Bones?"

McCoy's satisfaction at Kirk's discomfort was unbefitting one of the finest physicians in Star Fleet. McCoy didn't care; he'd waited a long time and through a LOOONG string of women to see Kirk fall this hard. Taking out his flask, McCoy leaned back in his chair and leisurely sipped his restorative.

"Give me an update, Jim. Have things gotten any better?"

"No! Dammit, Bones; I'm the ship's captain, not a cabana boy from Risa!"

Guess that meant McCoy's suggestions so far hadn't alleviated the problem, not that he'd expected them to.

"Bones, I can't keep my hands off her. I'm not sleeping and I'm leaving the bridge 4 or 5 times per shift -"

McCoy whistled unexpectedly at that admission. If Kirk was keeping that pace up daily McCoy would have to give him props - and vitamin shots. In fact, McCoy was surprised he could still walk.

"I mean, it's happening _everywhere,_ Bones. Cargo bays - we've done 68 of them so far. The maintenance storage areas - Scotty heard us going at it and locked us _in_!"

Laughter erupted from the doctor, beyond his ability to control.

"I'll bet that rescue had a few eyebrows raised. Who'd you call to get you out?"

"Scotty. But he took his good old fashioned time getting there. So we had plenty of time- "

"I get the picture; have pity on the rest of us males. Continue."

"Bones, I'm beat -"

"I bet. Look whipped, too."

"BONES! I'm here for some **help!** _What's wrong with me_?"

"How's your lady handling this? I mean, she's almost six months pregnant with twins. This isn't uncomfortable for her?"

"No! She's part of the problem. She never says no. Never. It's like someone just gave you a table full of your favorite desserts and you have to eat them all, you can't just eat until you get tired."

"I hope you're not being literal, Jim."

"Not about the table. Wait a minute.. We did it on a Mess Hall table, I think. But the desert? Yeah. I think there was whip cream and cherries and some -"

"Jim! Enough!"

"I agree! **What the hell is wrong with me!**?"

Having savored Jim's agony long enough, McCoy sat a small device on the desk between them and slapped his comm unit.

"McCoy to Uhura!"

"Uhura, here. How can I help you, Leonard?"

"Can you come down to Sick Bay. Jim's here and I think it will help if we're all together."

Kirk's expression changed three times.

First, Kirk's face objected to including Uhura in the discussion of his arousal "problem".

Second, Kirk's face shot McCoy an "I thought you were gonna help!" look.

Lastly Kirk's panic at proximity to his wife landed on his features with an almost audible *thud* and decided to stay.

 _He looks like he's about to bolt outta that door_ , the doctor noted. Maybe this was more serious than McCoy thought. After all, an over-sexed Jim Kirk used to be the norm.

The smell of jasmine preceded her into the office. Kirk groaned as the front of his pants suddenly became too small. McCoy watched her easy walk across the med bay to his office. He had to admit that that walk, even when she was pregnant, could still make him wish he'd asked her out at the Academy.

"Hi, Len. Jim! Are you okay, sweetheart? What's going on?"

It took only seconds of proximity for the device on McCoy's desk to scream, flash all of its lights and die, it's final death wail reminiscent of a police car driving off a cliff with its sirens blaring. McCoy picked the dead device up, hiding his shock; it only took 12 seconds to overload its sensor.

 _Poor, Jim..._ McCoy couldn't believe he was saying it.

"Have a seat, hon. How are you feeling?"

"I'm good, Len, I'm really good. I'm ready for the morning sickness to be over."

"Getting enough rest?"

"I think so. The _captain_ ," - she emphasized, pointing at him with a hitchhiker's thumb - "modified my schedule so I get lots of naps in. What's going on? Is Jim okay?"

McCoy leaned forward to speak. Kirk's death kept her alert for any lingering side effects from the radiation poisoning or the serum from Khan's blood. McCoy didn't want her worrying and upsetting the little Kirks still riding around inside her.

"No, hon. Nothing to do with Jim's accident. Do either of you know what this is?" McCoy asked, holding up the now useless device.

Uhura shook her head "No" right away.

Kirk didn't because his eyes were firmly focused on her breasts. One of his hands absently stroked her exposed thigh below her uniform hem while the other made its way to his own -

" **Get a grip, man**! Have you ever seen one of these?"

Kirk came to long enough to shake his head - both to clear it and to indicate he had no idea what the device might be.

"It's used on Orion in the sex houses. It measures pheromone output. Helps the tourists know which pleasure houses are the most... satisfying."

He paused to make sure they were listening. Uhura's attention focused completely on the device. Kirk's returned to her breasts, her thighs and his own crotch.

"Stay with me, Jimmy!"

Again the head shake rotated Kirk's eyes in McCoy's direction.

"Follow me here: Uhura, you just broke this device. Your pheromone count is so high it killed my tester. Jim, that's what's happening to you. That's why you two have been... at it... all day every day."

McCoy's eyes shot open at Kirk's continued efforts to make contact with the pole holding up the tent in his pants.

" **Uhura!** \- **_Can you do something about him_**? He can't be trying that while I'm here watching!"

"Sorry, Len..." she apologized, grabbing Kirk's hands in her own to keep them quiescent. It helped; Kirk's mouth delivered the question Uhura's head had been formulating before her efforts to keep him under control.

"We're not together all day, Bones. If we're not together, in the same room, why am I having this... problem?"

"Because you're married - and bonded to - an empathic telepath. Uhura, you told me once that you cast that Vulcan bonding spell on Kirk on your honeymoon. Did it work?"

"Yes..." she purred.

McCoy's pants got a tad tight when she smiled that way. How could one woman do that to so many guys without trying? No wonder the late Mr. Spock spent half his time on Earth growling at other men.

"So you and Kirk have a telepathic and empathic connection, right?"

"I can read him all the time - except when he's angry. He can read me during.. you know..."

"There's your problem, Jim. She's broadcasting but it's only on YOUR frequency. The pheromones went up when she got pregnant. And she's an empathic telepath. Pregnant woman have documented increases in sexual desire and arousal. You're bathing in your wife's desire to jump your bones 24 by 7."

Kirk's hands struggled to escape her tight grip. Just the discussion of sex with her had him sweating and breathing hard - not to mention tenting those tight uniform pants.

"Len, what can we do? I mean, I'm fine but Jim's not getting any sleep."

"Nothing."

That answer got the complete attention of Mr. and Mrs. Kirk.

"Nothing?" asked Mrs. Kirk.

" **NOTHING**!?" screamed Mr. Kirk.

"Anything I could give her, like the suppressors they use for Orions in transport, would cross the placenta and affect the twins. I know you don't want that. Anything I could give you, her psi talents will defeat."

"Bones, PLEASE! I need some HELP! **_I NEED SOME SLEEP_**!"

A humble, pleading Kirk. Who would've thought he'd ever beg to be relieved of the responsibility of having sex with a beautiful woman? _All's right with the universe_ , McCoy smiled.

Smiling happened so infrequently with McCoy that Kirk froze in terror.

"Here's my prescription. We have an isolation tank here. Blocks everything including psionic communications. I got it when Spock caught that virus and couldn't shield. Had half the crew swinging naked from the ceilings until we found a treatment."

McCoy flicked his eyes down to draw Uhura's attention back to Kirk's wayward hands. He'd almost released himself from the constricting pants by the time she got his hands back under her control.

"Jim, starting 5 minutes from now, you will be sleeping in the tank. You will report to Sick Bay every 12 hours until Uhura's hormones transition into the third trimester profile. By that time she'll be uncomfortable with your attentions and the pheromones should calm down. And I need you two on separate shifts; no sense tempting fate."

Kirk's relief came quickly despite his attempts to rub her hands against his crotch.

"Uhura will be needing your special gifts that last few weeks. The more sex you have with her near her due date, the easier her delivery will be. So save it up. Uhura, you think you'll be okay with him just half an Earth day?"

Smiling a naughty smile she kissed Kirk on the forehead, rising a bit less gracefully to balance her growing belly.

"I guess I'll have to make do, Len. I'll let Sulu know. When should I expect him home?"

"I'm gonna keep Studley Do-Right here a day or so and try to build his reserves back up."

"I appreciate that, Len."

The laugh his wife and best friend had at his expense would have been irritating if Jim Kirk had been awake to hear it.

 

* * *

 

**TOO**

"Grab a chair."

His patient's discomfort shocked McCoy as did the clear fatigue.

"Can we close the door?" McCoy heard.

Returning his flask to the drawer, McCoy leaned forward focusing his attention, concern lining his face.

"Give me an update. Have things gotten any better?" the doctor asked.

"No. And I'm exhausted from the effort "

Guess that meant McCoy's suggestions so far hadn't alleviated the problem, not that he'd expected them to.

"I'm not sleeping and I'm leaving the bridge 4 or 5 times per shift -"

McCoy whistled unexpectedly at that admission. This had to stop; it just wasn't healthy.

"I'm really beat... I need some help. _What's wrong with me_?"

"This isn't uncomfortable, all this... activity? Do you ever get the answer 'Not tonight'?" McCoy asked, typing notes into the file.

"No! That's part of the problem. It's NEVER 'Not Tonight'. Any idea what to do about this!?"

Once again, McCoy sat a small device on the desk and slapped his comm unit.

"McCoy to Kirk!"

"Kirk, here. What's up, Bones?"

"Can you come down to Sick Bay. Uhura's here and I think it will help if we're all together."

 _She looks like she's about to_ _bolt_ _outta that door_ , the doctor noted.

An over-sexed Jim Kirk became the norm once again. He slid into Sick Bay on the hop.

"Hey, Bones! Nyo! Are you okay, babe? What's going on!?"

It took only seconds of proximity for the device on McCoy's desk to scream, flash all of its lights and die, it's final death wail reminiscent of an ambulance crashing into a brick wall with its sirens slowly dropping in pitch and speed of 'whooping' until it fell silent. McCoy picked the dead device up, unsurprised at the result; it only took 45 seconds to overload its sensor. Jim's wife retained the record; she broke it in 12 seconds.

"Have a seat. How are you feeling?"

"I'm good, Bones. Why?"

"Getting enough rest?" McCoy asked, observing Jim Kirk carefully.

"Why wouldn't I be? What the HELL is going on!? Is Nyo okay - is something wrong with the twins!?"

"No. Nothing to do with the twins. You know what this is." McCoy stated, holding up the now useless device.

Kirk shook his head "Yes" right away.

Uhura didn't because her eyes were firmly focused on his crotch. One of her hands absently stroked his inside thigh while the other made its way to her own -

" **Hon - not here**!"

Uhura shook her head to clear it.

"A few weeks ago we used this to measure Uhura's pheromone output."

Uhura's attention and hands returned to Jim's crotch. Jim grabbed her hands in his and looked an apology at McCoy.

Again, a head shake rotated Uhura's eyes in McCoy's direction.

"Follow me here: Kirk, you just broke this device. Your pheromone count is so high it killed my tester - which actually doesn't surprise me since I was your roommate for 3 years. I don't know what that crazy voodoo biology of hers did to you but you've switched. Uhura? - now Jim's blasting you 24 x 7, hon. Studley Do-Right is back."

A kind of nostalgic wistfulness crossed McCoy's features. Shame, really... Jim's suffering hadn't lasted nearly long enough; his Studley Do-Right alter ego came back full of vigor.  The reverie lasted until McCoy's eyes shot open at Uhura's continued efforts to stimulate Jim through his uniform pants.

" **Jim!** \- **_Can you do something about her_**? She can't be trying that here!"

"Sorry, Bones..." he apologized, grabbing Uhura's hands carefully again in his own to keep them quiescent.

Her hands struggled to escape his tight grip. Just the discussion of sex with him had her hot and bothered - not to mention dampening the nether regions of that maternity uniform skirt.

"As long as it's okay for her, I'm okay keeping her happy."

"She's third trimester now; might as well let you two get some exercise in for the delivery. She still needs a lot of rest, Jim. Uhura, honey? You want to spend some time in the tank?"

"Please. I could really use some sleep ** _._** " she answered wearily, at which both men grinned sympathetically.

"Here's my prescription. You will report to Sick Bay every 12 hours until you go into labor. Sooner if you need a nap."

McCoy flicked his eyes down to draw Jim's attention back to Uhura's wayward hands. She'd almost released Jim from his uniform pants by the time he got her hands back under her control.

"Jim, I'll need you two to spend some quality time together when she's awake and rested until she delivers. It will help keep her toned for the twins. Uhura, you think you'll be okay with that?"

She nodded her agreement, still gazing longingly at Jim's crotch.

Smiling a naughty smile, Jim kissed Uhura on the forehead and lovingly rubbed her swollen belly.

"I guess I'll have to make do, Bones. I'll let Sulu know. When should I pick her up?"

"I'm gonna keep her here a day or so. I don't want those little girls she's carryin' here a minute before they're ready."

"I appreciate that, Bones. Take care of her. Grayson and I will be by to get her tomorrow. Don't worry Ny, Grayson and I will do some male bonding stuff."

Despite her arousal, her eyes narrowed to slits thinking of the mischief Jim Kirk and his son could get into while she slept.

"Behave, Jim! I mean it!" she warned him before rising awkwardly, with his help, and following him to the tank.

Assisting her and that belly into the tank, he kissed her passionately, provoking a deep and sensual moan from her, until Bones separated them and closed the doors.

Whistling, Jim Kirk hustled down the hall to pick his son up from school.

 _Turnabout is fair play, Ny..._ Jim thought with a chuckle.

Nyota Kirk would have protested - if she'd been awake.


End file.
